It is with some trepidation that I bring to you the latest results from our intelligence corps, found washed up on the banks of the Thames.
The files we are about to reveal to you lay bare the darkest secrets of a major retail chain whose practices have been in question for some time. Unfortunately the files are somewhat redacted but I hope that you, kind reader, can read between the lines to know for certain that Britain is in no graver peril than she is today.
Below please find the evidence presented for your inspection:
And for your convenience we have prepared memos detailing the contents of these files below:
Sent: Thu 10/11/2011 16:04
To: Head Wrangler (fernando█████████████)
Subject: My ████████ Dinosaur
Dear Mr ██████,
I am writing to you with regards to my dinosaur that I purchased in ████████. The said dinosaur is currently eating all the children in the surrounding area and has begun to look at the family goldfish with hungry eyes. I purchased this in good faith from ████████.
Please advise on how best to troubleshoot this issue. I have been advised that you are the authority on the ████████ warranty procedure for dinosaurs.
Please respond quickly as we do love our family goldfish.
And the response, containing twice as much horrifying material:
Sent: Thu 10/11/2011 16:54
To: Cathryn ██████ (█████@gmail.com)
Subject: RE: My ████████ Dinosaur
Dear Ms █████,
Thank you for your correspondence. I received your letter with some consternation as I was unaware that this model of Creature was still supplied at our stores due to safety concerns raised by Families Ated By Dinosaurs (Registered charity #24366465). That said, the matter is now before us and I will do my best to assist you in your care of your limited-edition Creature from our Terrifying Creatures™ range.
That said, because you are a ████████ customer and we value your custom I will endeavour to assist you as best as I can. Included below some pointers specific to your case as well as some general guidance:
You said that the Creature has begun to look at your family goldfish with “hungry eyes”. This is unfortunately an ever-present aspect of Creature ownership but can be mitigated to an extent by using an eye patch or other vision-impairing equipment on your Creature. This will make it difficult for the Creature to do more than merely look at your goldfish with a single hungry eye at a time, which I feel to be somewhat of an improvement on the current situation.
Placement of warning signs around the property can assist in avoidance of unnecessary Collateral Consumptions by your Creature (see appendix D of owner’s manual) that can cause your Creature to experience bloating and potential dihorrea. I would also take this opportunity to stress the need for the highest quality feed to avoid health problems. Bearing this in mind it goes without saying that if you don’t know the feed’s educational standard or the neighbourhood that it grew up in that it would be unwise to let your Creature consume it.
Proper discipline is crucial for safe and fulfilling enjoyment of your Creature, much like any potentially fatal activity. If your Creature begins to show signs of disturbance that could lead to tantrum behaviour be sure to strike it briskly on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper or nearby rock. Be sure to maintain firm and constant eye contact at all times during this process as breaking of eye contact is during this procedure can result in injury or death to yourself and those within a 3-5 mile vicinity (distance may vary according to local zoning laws, please consult your local council for more information). If this situation occurs it may still be possible to placate your Creature through the ritual offering of a pet or loved one, so keeping the goldfish nearby is a prudent step.
Following the above advice along with the instructions included in the original egg packaging you may well be able to enjoy a long and fulfilling life with your Creature.
████████ Head Dinosaur Wrangler
Direct telephone: ████████████████
This e-mail and any files transmitted with it may contain PRIVILEGED or CONFIDENTIAL information and may be read or used only by the intended recipient. If you are not the intended recipient of the e-mail or any of its attachments, please be advised that you have received this e-mail in error and that any use, dissemination, distribution, forwarding, printing, or copying of this e-mail or any attached files is strictly prohibited. If you have received this e-mail in error, please immediately purge it and all attachments and notify the sender by reply e-mail.
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, a foretaste of the horrors to come. What will be done? Who will be eaten next? Only God knows and he’s not telling.
As a last note we at Illegal Toothpaste wish to offer our thanks to one of London’s greatest detectives without whose help this case would not have been solved. Pictured to the left.
Good night, if sleep does not elude you, and may fair winds greet you not with the stink of a foul dinosaur!